I Lit A Candle

I

Lit

A candle

For you

Today

I

Lit a candle to remember

I lit a candle just to

Watch the flame burn

Down to an ember

-Nissa Jackman

The candle I lit this morning in remembrance of Ryan

This day is exactly 1 year from the day Ryan passed away.  I won’t call it an anniversary, but it is a day for remembrance.  I lit this candle, to burn until it simply does not any more, as a symbol for grief, life, love, sorrow, hope, letting go, remembering, acceptance, and just about anything else you can think of when you think about this kind of loss.  For me it means all of those things and more.  This past year has been pretty bad, I’m not going to sugar coat what it has been like for me.  I lost my best friend and lover, I lost a little piece of myself, and I lost some friends and family along the way.  Yes, I lost a lot, but I am regaining much of what I have lost.  I still have Ryan in my heart, in my memories, and in my dreams and it has all been good.  I have a new sense of family with Ryan’s loved ones and my closest friends who have supported me with their love and good will.  I have even begun to make new friends and redefine all of my relationships after the isolation of illness and grief.  Finally I have started making plans for my life and have rekindled my desire to have a career and a life outside of my grief.

I love remembering Ryan, he was pretty unforgettable after all.  He was the light of my life by showing me his own inner light.  He was one of the most positive people I have ever know, and a little bit of his inner light seemed to spark within me and I will always be grateful for that.  I will never let that die.

Although the grief will always be there, I hope the light from this candle will burn away the year of mourning I have allowed myself to experience.  There will always be some pain, but the suffering can end.

Much light and love to everyone out there…

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